It’s been a while! I haven’t really been doing much aside from finishing college, getting a place at university, sleeping and eating a lot of those 18p instant noodles from Aldi. I do have what I would call a valid excuse for not writing anything much at all apart from bad essays about Heathcliff for college, and it is actually because I cannot think of anything to write about. Looking at my WordPress account for the first time in months I found the folder of 17 drafts, things I had started writing and then been put off because nobody would be interested, or the fear that I wasn’t informed well enough to write about such things, or that I would be laughed at because what relevance to anything does my writing actually have and who really cares about my opinions on things anyway?
So basically what happened was I self-doubted myself away from the online world of blogging and stopped writing unless it was two hours before an essay had to be handed in, in which case I would quickly throw together a half hearted attempt at answering a question I no longer cared about or thought anyone else could possibly care about either. It made me quite miserable looking at the C’s and D’s which began to replace the A grades I was used to, and I was ashamed because I knew I could do better. But I suppose I let negative thoughts get the better of me, I was unmotivated and did not believe that writing was something I could excel at any more.
But now, having finished college in the blink of an eye, and having two years pass in a blur of essays and books and people and tedious bus journeys, and being faced with the very real notion of moving to Manchester to study English at degree level, I’ve sort of decided to pull myself together. Even if one person liked something I wrote about, or it made them realise something about themselves or the world, or question their own opinions, that would be a great accomplishment in my mind. Even if only one person vaguely understood my rambling about unimportant things and wasn’t forced to vomit over how cheesy my writing can be (I’m gagging okay) or bad syntax or grammar or the occasional made up word, then I’d be pretty happy. So even though I don’t really yet understand the reason for my own blog, or the aim in writing these little posts, or where I want to be in 5 years, I think maybe I’m going to actually try to write something regularly, and then maybe even be brave enough to not just save it to drafts and forget about it. Maybe.